Go Go Go!!!

It all starts when you jolt awake, look at your clock and realize it's 7:10. Fuck! the alarm didn't go off! You should be putting a spritz of smell good on by now. You frickin jump up, and run to the door, hitting your knee on the bed post on your way. No time for pain! You limp to the washroom, and turn on the shower. Seeing as there's no time to test the water, you say fuck it and you grab your razor, toothbrush and toothpaste, and hop in thinking you can adjust on the fly,and shave and brush while you lather and rinse. The water hits ya as you get in, and it's causing 2nd degree burns to your knee and left nut. Your hands are full, so you drop your shit to grab the faucet. The edge of the toothpaste roll catches your big toe and it instantly goes numb. Now that the water's been adjusted, you bend down to pick up your shit. You bang your head on the faucet right at the time the shower rack behind you takes liberties with your bottom. No matter, it kinda woke you up anyways. You shampoo your hair, lather your face with shaving cream and splotch a glob of toothpaste onto your toothbrush. With one hand you begin to shave, the other is brushing like a mofo. Then comes the familiar tingle, and you realize you forgot to pee. Screw it, it all goes to the same place, right? So you just let er go. By this time, the spray from your shower is causing everything to melt into each other. You have soap in your eyes, your toothpaste begins to taste like Gillette, and your frothing at the mouth which is dribbling down your neck, and piss is running down your leg. You look and sound like Helen Keller, the zombie version. Who gives a shit. Noone's around to see you, and you've saved 4 minutes....It's 7:13 am.

                                                                                                        

3 minutes after hopping in, you're falling out of the shower, and into your socks and underwear. You throw on the rest of your clothes, do your hair, conduct a nose, and ear hair check, grab your jacket, and bust a move to the door. At 7:21 am, you're in your car, and off to gas up, grab a coffee, and zoom to work. You get to the station, and deduce that if you only get 10 bucks worth of gas instead of a fill, you can save 3 minutes. Gas cap - off. Regular -selected. Beeping sound of pump to attendant - engaged. You stare and the meter waiting for the numbers to light up, but the fuckin pump is still beeping. You look at the attendant in their booth, and they're on the phone with their back to you. You hit the button again (like that works) ...no response....k maybe just 7 bucks worth to keep on track...by time they acknowledge you, you only have time to throw in 5 bucks. Fuck! At 4.95 you stop, and give it a couple quick pumps to reach 5. you hit 5.01. You walk up to the attendant, and hand him a 5 spot. He says it's 5.01. Can you believe it?! The fucker is gonna make you fish for a fuckin penny! Shit! No time to argue. You pound the first coin you find on the counter. It's a quarter, but you're not waiting for change. You turn around and walk out saying "keep the change asshole". Now you head to the Tim Hortons for your coffee. You see there's a 10 car line up at the drive thru, and only one person at the counter, so you decide to park and walk in thinking it'll save you an additional 4 minutes. But once you get in, you notice they're ordering coffee and donuts for 20 fuckin people....and trying to do so off memory. The 10 car line up outside has turned to 20. You have been through way too much to this point to head to work without your hookup, so you decide to roll your eyes and mutter a few f-bombs hoping an employee will notice and serves you. It works! Finally shit is starting to go your way! You get your extra large double, double, and are now back in your car driving by the suckers too lazy to park and walk for their coffee. "ha! suckers! woot woot!" Pat yourself on the back. It's 7:39 am, and you need to be on the road by 7:40 in order to make the 45 minute drive to work...as long as there's no hold ups on the way....

You pump up the radio so you can keep tabs on traffic. Good fuckin move, because the road you usually take is totaly held up by a stalled car. No prob, you're in good position to take the back road. It's a little bumpy, but that's fine. Your car's a piece of shit, so there's no issue with baggin the fuck out of it. Sooooo...you turn right instead of left, and proceed to the dirt and gravel road that will, for today take you to the office....Gravel roads + hot coffee + no time to waste = a bumpy, violent, hot, wet journey that takes you well beyond 45 minutes. You have a coffee stained shirt, a sticky chin, and a double double soaked crotch. When you finally get to the office and stumble out of the car, you realize you must look like a drunk that's just pissed himself, and you forgot to take your slippers off at home and replace them with your shoes...But fuck the world! Why? Because you woke up 20 minutes late, and you STILL made it to work with 2 minutes to spare. You don't give a shit that you look like hell, and you're wearing slippers. That's what washrooms are for, and you have a pair of shoes in the office.

You straighten yourself a bit, grab your half empty Timmi's and strut your triumphant ass to the door. You reach for the handle, and go to swing it open and your hand slips off causing the rest of your coffee to spill on your shirt. The fuckin door is locked....what the fuck's going on?....Have you been fired, and they changed the locks? Is everyone else late, and you're the first to get there? Did the business close down? What the hell?....No, No aaannnndddd No......It's Saturday you fuckin idiot....